1st April Extraordinary Research Report

by Apr 10, 2024Newsletter0 comments

Approx. Reading Time: 6 minutes

Buddhism meets quantum physics in therapy

This is a newsflash about some extraordinary research that is hot off the press today, the 1st April. Normal newsletters will resume in a couple of weeks.

The research, carried out by a leading laboratory in ULC University, London, has made important strides towards accelerating the process of successful psychotherapy, especially for people who are more dysregulated or aggressive.

The research uses a methodology designed using quantum principles alongside ancient practices. Lead author A.P. Ril and her colleague F. Uell scanned the brains of 12 Tibetan Buddhist monks as they chanted for love, peace and compassion. The scans showed that not only did their Default Mode Networks (DMNs) turn off, but the researchers believe they have discovered a new brain region which specialises in the feeling of eudemonic love, the newly named Ril-Fuell Cingulate Medulla Network (RFCMN).

After the chanting, saliva samples were then taken from each monk and half of these were placed in bottles of water. 12 psychotherapists who had volunteered for the trial placed a bottle of the water in their consulting rooms for their patients, whilst another 10 therapists were given a placebo of ordinary water.

Extraordinarily the patients who imbibed the water all seemed to change radically in the forthcoming weeks, many reported falling in love and also making peace with former rivals and enemies. Outcome measures showed a marked increase in empathy and compassion and overall wellbeing. Similar results were not reported for the placebo group.

The results evoked scepticism initially in peer reviewers and the data had to be further examined. When they did re-examine even senior peer reviewers reported being very happy indeed, especially after drinking a sample.

Later the remaining saliva samples were placed in bottles of (Irish) triple distilled whisky and then given to 10 supporters of Spurs, probably the leading North London football team, before their next match with rivals Arsenal, while a placebo (a Scottish single malt) was given to another 10 fans. The fans drinking the placebo single malt were in fact as violent as ever.

The behaviour of the fans who drank the legitimate samples and also those within 50 yards of them, was monitored during the match, their behaviours were filmed and then volunteers who were not too inebriated had their brains scanned later in the day. The results mimicked those of the psychotherapists. The Ril-Fuell Cingulate Medulla Network (RFCMN) was firing up powerfully, and higher levels of oxytocin were found in their blood.

In fact not only the supporters who drank the whiskey but many around them became kind and friendly and began singing songs which lacked aggression, although sadly also were less humorous. Video footage found that supporters who were closest to and, importantly, downwind from the singing of the initial volunteers displayed the least aggression and the most kindness. Unfortunately one Spurs supporter was later injured when trying to hug an inebriated Arsenal fan.

Back at ULC University a final bottle of the water containing residual amounts of the original samples was used in a conference where Kleinian and Anna Freudian analysts were hotly debating their respective theories. However in this case, the levels of distrust and aggression seemed only marginally less than normal. Researchers A.P. Ril and F.Uell suggested that perhaps there were limits to any such intervention, given the mutual hostility and Senior psychotherapist and Spurs fan, Emmanuel Richy saying they were as likely to come together as Spurs and Arsenal fans. Yet it was rumoured that an unlikely love affair started at the same conference by a couple who had made off with a bottle.

The Football Association has though called for a future ban as ticket sales reduced dramatically as did alcohol consumption. Leading psychoanalyst Fonag Peterly suggested that all in all the research looks very promising, while Kleinian Britton Ronaldo was more cautious, urging that forgiveness is better developed via the depressive position. Gill Paulbert, a leader in Compassion Focused Therapy agreed, suggesting that compassion is not true if it does not come from an internal motivation. The Klien Society issued a statement condemning the research, although some members of the group retracted the condemnation, particularly those who ate easter eggs infused with the Irish whisky.

Yet no one quite knows the mechanism of action; some suggest it is the pheromones that are the causal agent, others argue for a form of quantum entanglement, and some suggest that the effectiveness of the microscopic doses used suggest something outside of space-time. Although the researchers cannot explain the findings, they say that they have never felt happier.

Indeed, in the laboratory where the research was done, cats and dogs have been reported to be playing together and three staff have become pregnant. The jury is out as to whether this discovery can be replicated and whether it could even lead to world peace. Funding is being sought for further trials and apparently major drug companies are circling, seeing huge market potential, alongside psychoactive drugs, and the tradename SPITIBET has already been patented.

Finally I cannot end with an April Fool so this is in fact brilliant serious advice from Kurt Vonnegut.

In 2006 a high school English teacher asked students to write to a famous author and ask for advice. Kurt Vonnegut was the only one to respond – and his response is a lesson to us all:

Dear Xavier High School, and Ms. Lockwood, and Messrs Perin, McFeely, Batten, Maurer and Congiusta:

I thank you for your friendly letters. You sure know how to cheer up a really old geezer (84) in his sunset years. I don’t make public appearances any more because I now resemble nothing so much as an iguana.

What I had to say to you, moreover, would not take long, to wit: Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what’s inside you, to make your soul grow.

Seriously! I mean starting right now, do art and doit for the rest of your lives. Draw a funny or nice picture of Ms. Lockwood,and give it to her. Dance home after school, and sing in the shower and on andon. Make a face in your mashed potatoes. Pretend you’re Count Dracula.

Here’s an assignment for tonight, and I hope Ms.Lockwood will flunk you if you don’t do it: Write a six line poem, aboutanything, but rhymed. No fair tennis without a net. Make it as good as youpossibly can. But don’t tell anybody what you’re doing. Don’t show it or reciteit to anybody, not even your girlfriend or parents or whatever, or Ms.Lockwood. OK?

Tear it up into teeny-weeny pieces, and discard them into widely separated trash receptacles. You will find that you havealready been gloriously rewarded for your poem. You have experienced becoming, learned a lot more about what’s inside you, and you have made your soul grow.

God bless you all

Kurt Vonnegut

Normal newsletters resume in a few weeks and in the meantime enjoy the holidays!


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